Saturday, February 5, 2011

Extremely Important Information

When I take showers, I cross my arms across my chest like you would when standing in an impatient way, let the water build up, and then release it and let it splash at my feet. Shower time is also my band practice. It gets pretty intense.

When I pee, I always try to hit the side of the toilet, so as to not make the loud splash noise of pee hitting the water. When I pee I also sometimes flush in the middle of it and try to beat my toilet in a race to the finish.

When I shit, I look at the toilet paper after wiping to see if I'm finished. I didn't think this was an anomaly, but I've met far too many people that say they don't do that. Those people are not welcome to sit in my chairs. I also take my pants off all of the way when I shit, only at home though. Sometimes if I'm taking a particularly long dump, I read the back of shampoo bottles and other various toiletry items, for no real reason.

When in a car (not driving) ever since I was little, I've imagined a little man running along side the car dodging shit and jumping over cars. I also used to think about, and still do, a game I used to play with myself. The car shot out lasers to kill the other cars. If the passing lane was on my side, it could hit the other cars. If the passing lane was on the other side, our car was vulnerable. Certain street signs gave different power ups and let my car and weapon do different shit.

At my computer and other places when possible, I often sit with one leg under the other until it starts to get sore or falls asleep. Then I switch legs.

Sometimes when I need to get up to get something but I'm feeling particularly lazy, I sit there and try to force-pull it to me, in hopes that one day it will actually work. I also occasionally try to fire lightning or some other magical energy from my hands, just in case I'm the chosen one.

Whenever I'm doing something, I often find myself asking this question in my head: "I wonder how many people in the world have done or thought this same thing?" I then question how many people have wished they could know that, too. I want to be able to pull up a statistic of anything in the world.

When I was a kid, things in my peripheral vision bugged me when I was trying to focus on something, TV especially. If something was lying around or out of place and I could see it, I had to move it to focus. This went away as I grew older.

These are things that I and a good amount of other people do (although you would be surprised at how many people find a lot of these things oddities). I just find a visual compilation amusing.

I Wish...

"I wish I had a salad." "I wish I had that new game." Even "I wish you were here," or "I wish I was in Italy." Cut this shit out, think about what you say. You have 3 wishes and you're going to waste them on that? What a sucker. Quit wasting your wishes. One of these days a wish is going to come true and you're going to look like the shitbrain that wasted their one free pass on Big Mac you disgusting fuck. Be more careful with your wording.

I've whittled my wishes down to an exact science. (No wishing for more wishes faggot, you know the rules). They're perfect and they're flexible. They are: Control space time, change any physical aspect of my body, and read minds. This enables me to do whatever I want, all because I went the extra mile to think outside of the box. I can freeze time, I can teleport, I can renew my organs giving me eternal life (barring I don't die instantly), I can even give myself gills or wings if I wanted to. The reading minds bit is just an icing on this god-tier cake.

So when I'm ruling the world and ballin' around town with my perfect wishes, don't come crying to me with your new Nickelback album.

Drawing The Line

I miss the line that I used to have that ran from my ballsack down my grundle. I don't know if it has a name, but I miss it. Maybe I miss the memories associated with it. Those were simpler times...back when I had that line. I used to run my finger along it wondering what the fuck it was. Little did I know that it would go away as I aged. That's something that every boy takes for granted, their ballsack line.

My friend used to think that he was stitched together when he was a kid. He was convinced that that is what the line was. It shouldn't have gone away, it should stay there forever so women have a chance to marvel at it and wonder what it was like we did. Then there would be a niche market for scrote-line massaging.

We need a name for this line. I don't know if it has one - if there is, somebody tell me. If not, somebody help me think of one. If you are a male and you don't know what I'm talking about, then I am truly sorry for you. You were either a deformed child (and not stitched together from other kids, what a sucker), or you didn't fondle yourself enough growing up.

Speaking of fondling yourself, remember finding that jet stream in inground pools and finding out that it felt good on your junk? My friend called it "The pee-wee massager" when he was 9. SIMPLER TIMES, PEOPLE, simpler times.

If I had one opportunity to ask God a single question and speak for all of humanity, our one shot for a divine answer, I would ask him why the line disappears. Girls reading this, I am truly sorry that you didn't get to experience this wonder.

Homosex is the Onlysex

It would be really sweet if I was gay. I have gone over it in my head time and time again, and the pros seem to outweigh the cons. I will draw it out for you:

-Don't need to deal with stupid fucking women
-Bromances have yet to let me down
-No babies
-Talk with an adorable inflection / lisp (Or have an excuse for my awful voice)
-Make a lot of female friends and help them try on bras like in those movies...although I guess if I was gay I wouldn't really find that as exciting...SHUT UP, it's a perk okay
-Become a master at interior design
-Become a master at cooking (I imagine these 2 to be genetically inherited gay traits)
-Be able to F-block in public and have it be acceptable
-All the cool kids are doing it
-Sweet annual parade
-Excuse to not go to the South
-I use the word 'faggot' very liberally. Now this would become more acceptable.

-Being railed in the pooper
-Being associated with Ellen DeGeneres

If gay was a choice, the winner is pretty obvious, 12 to 2? Not even close, and I was probably missing some Pros. Take that, procreation.

Reasons You SHOULD Get Pregnant

Everywhere you go, you always hear things about practicing safe sex. It's a load of shit. People talk about preventing pregnancy like it's some sort of bad thing without first stopping to consider the pros of pregnancy. I am here to tell you about them, and why you should get knocked up as SOON as possible.

1. Free passes. Pregnant bitches get free passes all the time. They can't do manual labor, it's bad for the baby! They can cry for no reason, they're hormonal! I can't have sex with that, it's disgusting! Every single god damn time you need a woman to do something, they're magically pregnant. Then the baby is born, and you STILL get free passes. "I can't maintain a job, I have a baby!" "I can cry for no reason, I have PPD!" Sure, you might have to spend some of your time on the kid, but who really cares about him? Pass him on to your parents, he'll be calling you sister in no time.

2. Bank off of the kid's success sooner.
This one is a bit more complicated and time consuming, but the benefits at the end are great. So you have a kid at 33, you raise him well and he grows up to become a rich musician, a successful doctor, or a hotshot CEO. Congratulations, you can bank off of his success and you'll be in your 60s, well on your way to death. That same kid born out of a tender 17 year old goes on and does the same, and it's smooth sailing from your 40s. Do the math people, it explains itself.

3. Populate the shitty states with Adam's Babytrain Program. Ever wonder why Midwestern USA sucks so much? Because nobody lives there to give a shit enough to change it. For a nominal fee, I will take your unwanted baby and strap it securely to a train bound for Wyoming and other such desolate shitpiles. Our straps are weight tested by our packing experts to ensure your baby a safe and comfortable ride. Eventually the population of these states will rise, and I won't have to stop talking to someone because they tell me they're from Omaha, Nebraska.

4. Rape deterrent. So you just had a baby. Your body isn't in good shape, you aren't feeling too good about the way you look. Your tits are lactating, your stomach is flabby, and your vag looks like an Arby's commercial. Nothing good about any of that, right? Wrong. At least 33% of potential rapists won't even give you a second glance. Take that, beautiful people!

5. It's what Jesus would do.

6. The movie Juno. If this sort of thing were to occur all the time, then "Juno" would never have been made, as it wouldn't be an uncommon occurrence. Nobody's going to care about some stupid high school whore giving away her baby to the most horrible soundtrack in film history. They shouldn't have cared in the first place. What a terrible movie.

So get out there and have unprotected sex. "But Adam, what about the STDs?" Oh boohoo, live life on the edge. If people never took risks, then the One Ring would've never been destroyed and Sauron would be ruling your ass right now. And the other lesson in this rant? Don't see Juno, it's garbage.

New Beginnings

Hello any sucker bored enough to be reading this. I was struggling for a while to come up with a sense of direction for this blog and still am, really. I have decided for now to take the 'Maddox' or 'Ninjapirate' (Except probably not as funny) approach and make it general musings and ramblings that I've come up with that people seem to enjoy. These started off as "Song of the Day" threads on a forum that holds a lot of shame for me. I posted the same song every day and wrote things like this. I figured I'd take it to a more appropriate medium and to a broader audience. I take myself super seriously and everything I say is 100% super serious. I suppose we should kick it off with something endearing that has always troubled me.

There are a lot of terrible ways to die. Some are horrible because of the pain that is surely involved, and others suck because of the humiliation that is involved and the endless taunting they must suffer in the afterlife.

I would rather die a painful death than a humiliating one, just in case. Dying trying to rescue a chick from an active volcano is pretty manly and heroic. What the fuck was she doing in there anyway? Women are so stupid, always getting stuck in volcanoes. Being crushed by a plasma TV mounted over your bed is not very manly, especially if you were watching Top Chef. I love Top Chef, fuck you.

Getting maimed to death by an animal is very hit or miss. Killed in a boxing match with a kangaroo? Pretty manly. KIA in the extreme sport of Rhino Rodeo? Manly as shit. Being stung to death by bees? What a pussy. Getting eaten by an elephant? They're herbivores and you happened to look like a plant. Vegetation and vegetarians are very unmanly. 

Getting murdered is another big one. Get shot to death...what are you a minority? Cut that shit out. Rape, do I even need to get into it? Go out and get curb stomped, or go out in style to a crippler cross-face. Benoit's kid and wife may have died a tragic and untimely death, but at least it was manly. Make sure your death isn't babytown.